Divorce is one of the most challenging things that a person can go through. Divorcing a narcissist has the potential to make that process all the more challenging. That doesn’t mean, though, that you need to lose hope or be fretful of what may come. By preparing for the process and seeking a trustworthy family law attorney to work with, you can be ready to handle the difficulties that divorcing a narcissist might carry.
What to Expect
One of the most difficult parts of divorcing a narcissist is how unpredictable they can be. Just when you believe that everything is going as smoothly as it can in these situations, a fit of ego could disrupt the whole process. In other cases, when nothing seems to be going well, they may suddenly be agreeable for completely unknown reasons. Therefore, it is possible that a divorce with a narcissist could end up being an easy negotiation and there not be any issues. However, it’s also possible that they could disrupt every aspect of the divorce, from determining property division to developing a child custody plan. When divorcing a narcissist, the ideal strategy might be to simply expect and prepare for everything while hoping that you have to deal with nothing.
One thing helps to know up front: California family courts do not diagnose your spouse as a narcissist. Judges respond to behavior they can see in the record, not labels. That is why what you document matters more than what you call your spouse.
How to Prepare
When you are divorcing a narcissist, there are legal limits to just what kind of behaviors that they can get away with. They run into opposition and legal restraints that they don’t face in regular life. That doesn’t mean, though, that they can’t create a ruckus. In these cases, their threats, taunts, and drama will often amount to very little, but the personal baggage that the other party carries into the divorce from the narcissistic abuse they’ve taken can make this difficult to deal with at times. Therefore, it’s important to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for what may come. Additionally, it is important that you get yourself financially ready for the divorce. You should also take the time to document your interactions with your spouse before and during the divorce in case they may be vital to your case.
California Laws That Protect You When Divorcing a Narcissist
A narcissist may act like the rules don’t apply to them. They do. California family law gives you real tools when your spouse tries to stall, hide money, or use the kids as leverage. Knowing these tools early can save you stress and money.
Sanctions for Bad Behavior (Family Code §271)
Some spouses drag out a divorce on purpose. They file pointless motions, ignore deadlines, and refuse to settle. Under California Family Code §271, a judge can order that spouse to pay your attorney’s fees and costs when their conduct frustrates settlement and drives up the cost of the case. You do not have to prove you need the money. You only have to show their behavior made the case more expensive.
Hidden Assets and the Duty to Disclose (Family Code §1100–§1101)
California is a community-property state, so most assets and debts from the marriage are split equally. A narcissist who wants the upper hand may try to hide accounts or move money. The law does not allow that. Spouses owe each other a fiduciary duty, which means each spouse must manage community property honestly and disclose it fully. If your spouse hides or wastes assets, the court can award you a larger share, sometimes the full value of what was hidden. Full financial disclosure is required, and a good attorney can use formal property division tools to find what is missing.
Protecting Your Children (Family Code §3044)
If your spouse has been abusive, the law puts your children first. Under Family Code §3044, when a court finds that a parent committed domestic violence within the past five years, there is a rebuttable presumption that giving that parent custody is not in the child’s best interest. The abusive parent can try to overcome it, but only by a preponderance of the evidence. Courts can also order parallel parenting, a structured plan that keeps contact between parents to a minimum and leaves little room for manipulation.
Consider the “Gray Rock” Method
Narcissists often feed on conflict and reaction. The gray rock method means keeping your responses short, calm, and boring so there is nothing to fight about. Keep contact in writing when you can. Stick to the topic in front of you. Calm, brief, documented communication protects your peace of mind and builds a clean record you can use in court.
FAQs
Q: Will a Narcissist Negotiate a Divorce?
A: It’s impossible to know for sure how a person will act before the actual moment occurs. However, there are some reasonable expectations regarding what may happen in the process of divorcing a narcissist. In most cases, divorcing parties want to avoid an ugly court battle. The concern is that a narcissist, out of self-inflated grandiosity and ego, may want to create that kind of chaos. That’s certainly a possibility. However, a narcissist doesn’t want to be exposed either. Sometimes, an open battle in court can reveal them to be a lot of talk without much substance to back it up. It’s possible that they may have a strong pull towards negotiation so they can avoid that kind of exposure. If you are divorcing a narcissist, that’s not a reason to give up hope on negotiation. Especially with the right divorce attorney, negotiation may very well be a possibility.
Q: How Can a Lawyer Help When Divorcing a Narcissist?
A: When divorcing a narcissist, one of the most difficult elements to deal with is the fact that they can be a bit chaotic. They aren’t exactly predictable in terms of how they will behave and react to the divorce process. The first way a lawyer can help is that they can be a point of consistency and reliability. A good divorce lawyer is someone you can trust to give you an honest assessment of the situation and provide good guidance through the divorce, negotiation, and, if needed, court processes. A lawyer can also speak from a place of being a peer to the other lawyer. They can urge the other lawyer to try to give the narcissist a clear picture of the benefits of maintaining a reasonable, predictable process throughout the divorce.
Q: What Should I Do to Prepare to Divorce a Narcissist?
A: Preparation for a divorce with a narcissist should occur on a few different levels. In part, you will need to mentally and emotionally prepare for the process. Divorce is difficult enough without the unpredictable element that narcissism brings. You need to mentally be ready for anything. You will also need to prepare yourself financially, as you will want to have solid financial resources for the process ahead. The judge may award temporary spousal support for the duration of the divorce, but that doesn’t mean that, despite the consequences of not paying, you can just count on that money being available. Lastly, you need to document whatever you can about your relationship, particularly accusations made against you. Keeping a journal of interactions leading up to and through the divorce may prove valuable.
Q: What Are Some Narcissistic Personality Traits?
A: Narcissism is a kind of mental disorder. Most often, this disorder results in an excessive need for attention to satisfy one’s ego. It is also often paired with a lack of empathy for others while having an inflated perception of self-importance. That self-importance is often maintained at the expense of others, who are belittled and diminished by the narcissist. Some of the traits of narcissism, which create difficult relationships and can make divorce challenging, include:
- A desire to manipulate others
- Self-righteousness
- Creating drama
- Arrogance
- Entitlement
- Contempt
- An unwillingness to accept criticism
- Anger
- Lack of close relationships
Q: Can I Make My Spouse Pay My Legal Fees if They Drag Out the Case?
A: Possibly. Under California Family Code §271, a judge can order a spouse who needlessly runs up the cost of the divorce to pay your attorney’s fees and costs. You do not have to show financial need, only that their conduct increased the cost.
A Trustworthy Legal Team Can Help You Through a Divorce From a Narcissist
The hope, of course, is that the narcissist you are divorcing is going to be on their most presentable behaviors and amicable through the divorce process. However, it’s possible that they will create a storm of chaos through the process instead. Because of that risk, you need a legal team that you can trust to serve as a point of stability and a place of consistency and truth. At Quinn & Dworakowski, LLP, we have experience with these kinds of situations and understand how difficult they can be to work through. We seek to be a place where our clients can come for reliability and trust through the process.
IIf you are ready to work with us through your divorce, or just want to hear more about how we can help, contact us today.
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